i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
