oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
After last night, I could never be a politician.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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