I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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