did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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