I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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