i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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