There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
