Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
