You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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