Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
