is your mom at the bar?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
