yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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