come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You are a genius and a whore.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
