Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Couch. On fire.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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