True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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