we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
