I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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