I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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