I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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