Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
