Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
