A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
