I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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