What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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