wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
