Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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