i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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