i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
