Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
