When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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