The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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