I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
