On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
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Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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