it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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