I am spending my child support on dildos
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
