he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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