I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
