My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
