my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
