I cannot find my penis.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
