he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You are the jesus of drinking
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
