I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
