New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.