You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
someone owes me an orgasm
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
