I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power