Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.