knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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