K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
