I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
