i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
