the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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