Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
