Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
