I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
