now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
