This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
