Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
