census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
