I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's just like the Real World with babies
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
