He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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