I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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