She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
